Everything insane at the FIFA 2026 World Cup Draw, ranked
What the hell just happened?
The funniest TV show I watched this year was the FIFA 2026 World Cup Draw. I howled, I cringed, I winced, I paused the show several times to collect myself. But for nearly the whole time, I laughed. It was an awkward debacle, with everyone involved trying to keep the seams from bursting. Comedy ensued.
Football federations have turned these draws, which determine an international competition’s matchups, into star-studded, widely-broadcast affairs. FIFA, the game’s overarching governing body, has taken it to the next level, wringing next summer’s World Cup like a wet rag for every possible penny. One billion people were watching the World Cup Draw, we were told several times. That was two billion eyes into which FIFA could beam hours of advertising and propaganda. An instantaneous, computer-generated draw and a press release would not suffice.
I mean this with all sincerity: The least interesting thing that happened at the World Cup Draw was the draw. In some far-off year, researchers will wonder, “What was culture like in 2025?” and I hope YouTube still exists so that they can stumble upon the 2026 World Cup Draw. I offer this ranking of the event’s crazy moments as an anthropological addendum.
14. The Kennedy Center serves as host
The United States, Canada, and Mexico are serving as the host countries for this summer’s World Cup, and FIFA president Gianni Infantino, who we’ll hear from a lot in this ranking, has cozied up to Donald Trump. The Draw’s venue is a perfect example of that.
According to The Athletic, FIFA had long planned to stage the Draw in Las Vegas, copying what it had done in 1993 for the 1994 World Cup. Plans changed in August this year, when, at a bizarre press conference, Trump announced that FIFA will stage the Draw at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. MAGA had taken over the venerable institution in February, with Trump’s appointees to the board firing longtime executives and pledging to eliminate “woke” programing. Since then, the Kennedy Center has suffered staff turnover, tanking sales, and trouble filling its events schedule.
In other words, the Kennedy Center is a hemorrhaging cash and prestige because a bunch of middle-aged white men wanted a participation trophy. In stepped Trump, who shook Infantino down. FIFA received a $0 rental fee in exchange for millions in donations and sponsorships. Unsurprisingly, the performing arts venue was a poor fit for the Draw, and it was a second-rate event because FIFA kissed the ring of a second-rate criminal.
13. Infantino imitates Trump in his opening monologue
On one hand, I understand Infantino’s Trumpian turn. He is a leader of an organization that is staging an extremely complicated and historically important event in an increasingly anti-democratic United States. He’s doing what he needs to do, and there may even be a public service to it. Getting the feds to leave the World Cup and its millions of foreign visitors alone would be a win.
On the other hand, grow up.
In his welcoming speech at the Draw, Infantino offered two quotes that made me both laugh out loud and feel sorry for his subservience.
First: “FIFA is the official happiness provider for humanity since over 100 years.”
Then: “We are here to celebrate the FIFA 2026 World Cup draw, which will be the greatest FIFA World Cup ever. It’s much more than a sporting event. It’s simply the greatest event that humanity, that mankind, has ever seen and will ever see.”
Infantino get bonus points for saying these with a straight face.
For better or (far) worse, there is only one Donald Trump. White men in positions power need to stop trying to be and sound like him. The man will never be placated by or impressed with others. Speaking of…
12. Trump and Infantino grow bored of Andrea Bocelli
Yes, Andrea Bocelli performed at the Draw for some reason—he opened the event, in fact—and the cameras caught Trump and Infantino barely giving a shit.
Trump’s thought: “I have to sit through two hours of this?”
Infantino’s thought: “What have I done?”
11. Everyone calling Infantino ‘President’
People throughout the night referred to Infantino as ‘President.’ This is especially true of hosts Kevin Hart and Heidi Klum. (Side note: They gave James Franco and Anne Hathaway a run for their money.) FIFA is massive and operates as a quasi-nation-state. It’s also just a sports nonprofit. Calling private citizens by their job titles is embarrassing.
10. Shaq’s canned, off-time joke
A hallmark of football draws is legends and luminaries doing the honors of selecting teams. The Champions League draw in August, for example, featured Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Kaká, two all-time footballers. Their involvement was unnecessary, but it sort of made sense that legends of European club football helped promote Europe’s premier football competition.
To conduct the World Cup Draw, FIFA invited Tom Brady, Shaquille O’Neal, Aaron Judge, and Wayne Gretzky to do the honors. If you squint, it also sort of made sense. Brady is an investor in Birmingham City FC. Gretzky, representing one of the host countries, is one of the most famous and accomplished Canadians ever. But why wasn’t Mexico represented? What does basketball and baseball have to do with football? Surely, a woman could have pulled ping pong balls from a bowl and read off the names of countries.
The absurdity of it all was revealed when Rio Ferdinand, yet another sporting legend involved in the festivities, asked Shaq how many championships he would have won had he played with Brady. Seemingly (and rightfully) confused at the question, Shaq ignored it and said, “You know what they call me in the soccer world? David Blackham.”
It was the only thing he said all night, besides the names of the countries he pulled.
9. Everything about the World Cup song
At one point, Robbie Williams came on stage and sang the opening lyrics of “Desire”:
Dignity for the weak in the arms of the brave
To the ones we’ve lost and the souls they saved
One thing unites us, and the best is yet to come
We know who we are and what must be done
Yes, this is a song about football. It is the Official FIFA Anthem™, actually.
Williams was soon joined by Nicole Scherzinger, and after they finished the song they didn’t get a cue to leave the stage. Hart and Klum effusively complimented their performance, hoping they would get the hint. Williams finally did, made a joke about it, and escorted himself off the stage. Cringe.
8. Infantino leads chants of ‘U-S-A,’ ‘Canada,’ and ‘Mexico’
Infantino’s pained opening monologue included a bit where he made the attendees affiliated with the host nations chant their countries’ name. Considering many of the attendees were VIPs and football officials representing countries throughout the world, this was as weird and underwhelming as you’d expect. Do Canada and Mexico even use chants like that?
7. Everything about the production
Terrible writing for Hart and Klum. Sound bleeding from open mics across the stage. Presenters constantly trying to get a well-heeled crowd to react with passion and enthusiasm. Clumsy transitions. No translation for the many interviewees who spoke in Spanish.
The Draw preceded the “greatest event that humanity, that mankind, has ever seen and will ever see,” yet it had the production value of a college sketch comedy show.
I hate to diminish the crew of non-famous, non-rich professionals whose labor makes live events possible. With little planning, constrained budgets, security demands of hosting three heads of state, and the need to make a two-hour spectacle out of reading off the names of countries, I can’t imagine it was an easy or typical event to pull off. But the Draw might have been the worst-produced televised event I’ve ever seen. This is certainly true relative to the purported size of its audience.
At least I got to see a gloved Lionel Scaloni, Argentina’s manager, sheepishly say “Hi”—twice!—to Klum. The amazing crossover event starts around the 46-minute mark of the Draw.
6. Infantino treating the heads of state like children
An enduring criticism of FIFA is that it allies with strongmen and uses the popularity of football as leverage in the geopolitical sphere to advance its financial aims. This has given FIFA’s leaders wide latitude in dealing with heads of state, as well as an unusual familiarity with them.
At the Draw, Infantino welcomed to stage the American, Mexican, and Canadian heads of state, then explained the rules of the draw in a patronizing tone, as if they don’t collectively represent 500 million people. When Mark Carney, prime minister of Canada, prematurely grabbed at one of the ping pong balls at his podium, Infantino chastised him. Carney made a gesture exactly like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Infantino then interrupted the proceedings to take a selfie with them.
It was jarringly casual sequence, one reflective of how public respect and decorum have diminished in our time.
5. Matthew McConaughey calls Rio Ferdinand “Rio Rio de Janeiro Fee-Fi-Fo-Fio Que Es Te Quiero”
4. Wayne Gretzky’s geography bee
Occam’s razor holds that the event organizers didn’t set up Gretzky to fail, but rather their disorganization led them to overlook the fact that a 64-year-old white man might struggle to pronounce countries he’s never heard of. In any case, the world has been gifted Gretzky’s pronunciation of “Curaçao.”
3. Donald Trump shouts out heads of state
My first Bruce Springsteen concert was in 2016, when he played The River album front-to-back. Before kicking off the title track, Springsteen said, “Yeah, my sister’s here tonight with my mom and my whole family. They’re over there somewhere…” and we in the crowd cheered.
Trump must have listened to the live recording of the concert before the World Cup Draw because, during his FIFA Peace Prize speech—more on that soon—he called out Claudia Sheinbaum, Mexico’s president, and Prime Minster Carney like they were unfamiliar guests at a dinner party. “We have our prime minister of Canada there, and we have our president of Mexico.” He didn’t even say their names! Hilarious and unhinged.
2. Village People miss their cue
Famously, Trump’s favorite song is “YMCA” by Village People, so FIFA further ingratiated itself with the president by inviting the band to close the Draw. I think that’s about all FIFA had thought through, because what ensued was one of the most stupefying sequences of live television I’ve ever seen.
After the draw was completed, the hosts wound down the event while, in the background, roadies hurriedly set up instruments for Village People’s set. As the hosts were shuffling off stage, Danny Ramirez, who had served as a sort of sideline correspondent, asked Ferdinand what he thought of England’s chances at the World Cup. It was an odd time to ask such a question, and Ferdinand’s mic caught him angrily responding to Ramirez. “No, we need to talk,” Ferdinand said. “C’mon. C’mon. We gotta talk. Why are you doing this? We didn’t rehearse like that.”
The hosts’ mics were mercifully cut off, then Village People—or rather, their backing band—kicked off their set. The Village People, middled-aged men dressed in tacky costumes, scurried onto the stage after missing several bars of the song. When they finally settled in, Trump jumped to his feet and started dancing. The sequence starts around 2:16 and I’m still recovering from witnessing it. Please respect my privacy at this time.
1. Trump receives the FIFA Peace Prize
The remora fish in the MAGA-verse have made a stink about Trump not winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Not coincidentally at all, FIFA created the FIFA Peace Prize and—can you believe it?—Trump was bestowed the inaugural prize. The award ceremony occurred at the World Cup Draw because of course it did.
There’s much to be said about how pathetic and craven it is for Infantino to invent the award to satisfy Trump’s fragile ego. But not enough has been said about how hilarious it was for:
Trump to pick up the associated medal and put it on himself.
Trump to claim they saved “millions and millions” of lives, while the fallout grows around the administration conducting highly illegal and immoral executions in the Caribbean.
Infantino to give Trump a certificate as if he was an honor roll student.
Trump to deem the FIFA Peace Prize one of the great honors of his life and thank his wife Melania for the support.
Following the speechifying, Infantino to gesture at the (hideous) Peace Prize, inviting Trump to take it, only for Trump to look at it and walk off the stage.
It revealed how farcical and gauche all things Trump are. There is no amount of graft, adulation, or acquiescence that will satisfy him. Professionalism is irrelevant to a bottomless pit of ego. Like the GOP before it, FIFA made its bed. Now, it must lie in it.
Actually need to hear every thought the Mexican President had during this deranged dog and pony show
I am physically hurting from laughing at this. I am sorry I missed it. Surely there is a FIFA television network rebroadcasting it 24 hours a day.