This is the first weekly post since relaunching Out in Left. Keeping with past practice, this is more quick hits on recent news than it is a think piece, but monitor this space. Experimentation is nigh.
I made my podcast debut this week on Rock Docs. I said at the top of the episode that I’d be the best guest ever, and I was, but as part of the conversation about the Oasis: Supersonic documentary hosts Andy Keatts and David Lizerbram and I talked about Noel Gallagher’s songwriting peak, which prompted comparisons across culture and sports.
And it prompted this column, which I’ll dust off when the news of the day calls for it or, like this week, when I want to handle lighter fare.
The purpose of the ‘Artists as Athletes’ series is to have fun and stoke debate by comparing artists to athletes. A guiding question: what athlete embodies the achievements and qualities of, say, Taylor Swift? (I’ll save that answer for a future installment.) There’s no firm criteria, but the statistics, personae, and impact in the pairing should align. Meaning, there’s no one to compare to Bruce Springsteen.
Up first in the series, Oasis.
Paul “Bonehead” Arturs is John Kruk
“Rhythm guitarist Paul ‘Bonehead’ Arthurs contributed by being Bonehead,” wrote music critic Steven Hyden, “and it’s generally agreed upon that Oasis was more lovable when there was a guy named Bonehead in the band.”
This description is both accurate and insufficient. The only way to understand who Bonehead is and how he impacted one of the biggest bands ever is through stories, like how the world got a song called “Bonehead’s Bank Holiday” devoid of its namesake.
“Bonehead was going to sing it,” Noel Gallagher said, “but he got so drunk before he was due to sing it he couldn’t actually stand up.”
For his part, John Kruk was integral to the miraculous and dirtbag-y Philadelphia Phillies team that went to the World Series in 1993, and across 10 major league seasons he batted an impressive .300. But his being a very good player is the least interesting part of John Kruk and it certainly doesn’t explain who he is.
“See these weights?” Kruk said during a tour of the Phillies’ locker room. “This is the modern player. They weren’t here when I was here because we didn’t lift weights. We lifted pitchers of beer.”
The Phillies are more lovable when there is a guy named John Kruk around, which explains the team employing him as their color commentator. He’s so ridiculous in the booth that John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight pieced together Kruk’s greatest hits.
Every organization needs a glue guy. The Phillies have Kruk. Oasis has Bonehead.
Paul “Guigsy” McGuigan is Paul Lake
The only thing I know about Guigsy, Oasis’s original bass player, is what the Gallaghers shared in Oasis: Supersonic.
“He loved cricket and Doctor Who and weed and Man City,” Noel said. “I'd say fifth after that was being in Oasis.”
Liam added: “Guigsy, chilled out motherfucker, man. Lovely lad, but just a complete and utter fucking stoner.”
I also know little about Paul Lake, besides the fact that he played only for Manchester City Football Club and that his playing career was cut short by injury. It’s basically the same for Guigsy, who never played in a band besides Oasis, which he left amid their 1990s peak.1
Tony McCarroll is Frank Oleynick
There are friends by choice and there are friends by circumstance. This pair represents the latter.
If Noel Gallagher’s opinion of him is any indication, then Tony McCarroll was the band’s founding drummer only because he grew up with the guys and someone had to set the tempo. Even that he struggled with. It’s crazy that Oasis made Definitely, Maybe, one of the greatest debut albums ever, with a drummer who couldn’t really stay in time or deviate much from basic beats and fills. Maybe that was part of the magic. In any event, it was McCarroll’s only album with the band.
Frank Oleynick is a mostly-forgotten basketball player who starred at Seattle University in the 1970s. The hometown Seattle Supersonics selected him in the first round of the 1975 draft, probably because they were able to watch Oleynick more than the other top players available.2 Oleynick was out of the NBA within two years. Moral of the story: Choose your friends wisely. (But we wish McCarroll and Oleynick nothing but best).
Alan White is Andrew Luck
Both Alan White, Oasis’s longest-tenured drummer, and Andrew Luck, erstwhile quarterback for Stanford and the Indianapolis Colts, come from pedigree. White’s brother Steve is a drummer who supported Paul Weller, an influential musical artist in England. Luck’s father was a professional athlete.
Both White and Luck were talented, if atypical stars. I have no idea what White sounds like. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an interview with him or even a clip in which he talks. And Luck was known for his intellectual interests and pursuits off the field.
Both of their careers ended abruptly. We still don’t have a clear understanding of why Noel fired White in 2004, and Luck abruptly retired from football at the age of 29.
And when you close your eyes and think of “white guy,” it’s plausible you think of one of their faces.
Gem Archer is Toni Kukoč
Above all, Gem Archer is a competent, loyal deputy. He served in Oasis during their entire 2000s era. He signed up for Beady Eye (or, Zombie Oasis) after Noel broke up the band. He tours with Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds. So it is with Tony Kukoč.
The Croatian basketball player won three championships with Michael Jordan as part of the Chicago Bulls’ latter three-peat. Kukoč was so good at and committed to playing second fiddle he won the NBA’s Sixth Man of the Year award in 1996. He then floated around the league as a sturdy veteran.
Not everyone can be a star. Not everyone should be.
Andy Bell is Mark DeRosa
I had to find a prolific, multifaceted athlete to compare to Andy Bell, Oasis’s most recent bassist. Bell fronted and played guitar for Ride, a pioneering shoegaze band; formed and performed in several other musical acts; has production credits to his name; was the house DJ for a Swedish nightclub; and even scored a film. (One of the peculiarities of Oasis is that their relevance is negatively correlated with their musicianship.)
Mark DeRosa will do. At the University of Pennsylvania, DeRosa won back-to-back Ivy League championship’s as the starting quarterback, then he had a 16-year career in Major League Baseball. After his playing days, he became a broadcaster, lended his voice to some video games, and managed Team USA in the 2023 World Baseball Classic. He’s a Bon Jovi fan, as well, a fact apparently important enough to include in his Wikipedia page.
Liam Gallagher is Shaquille O’Neal
Arguably the most electric and dominant performer of his generation: check.
A post-prime career that was sometimes hard to watch and is now mostly ignored: check.
A hilarious personality that people can’t get enough of: check.
The word I keep thinking of for both Liam and Shaq is “undeniable.” Someone needs to put them in a room, put mics in front of their face, and record what happens.
Noel Gallagher is Cristiano Ronaldo
As I was putting this together, I thought “Who is an all-time great athlete that people respect more than they like?” The answer was obvious.
Noel’s and Ronaldo’s peaks were some of the greatest in their respective domains. They’re arrogant. Their arrogance is annoying. They work harder than anyone else at their craft. And their longevity is an achievement unto itself. Ronalado’s first professional appearance came in 2002, when Oasis was still a going concern. Since then, Oasis put out three studio albums, broke up, and reunited. All the while Ronaldo kept scoring goals. Noel may be right: these two might actually live forever.
The NWSL’s Boston franchise botches its launch
Move over Edsel and New Coke, there’s a new product launch case study in town: it’s… *checks notes* … something called BOS Nation FC.
The newest franchise in the National Women’s Soccer League launched its identity and branding this week and it was an unmitigated disaster. Some of the transgressions:
The name - BOS Nation FC is an anagram of ‘Bostonian,’ but many fans bristled at the nationalistic overtones. And unless it’s ancient Athens, how is a city a nation? What’s more, the league and the very famous U.S. women’s national team already use “national” in their names.
Marketing - the launch centered on a campaign called “Too Many Balls.” They even sold shirts that said only that. Like, what? Some considered the campaign transphobic and the URL pornographic. It’s also just dumb and unfunny.
Logo - it looks like a DraftKings ad.
Slogan - As Meg Linehan wrote in The Athletic, “Too Many Balls” apparently wasn’t enough:
Keep reading the website, and there’s the Too Many Balls campaign, but there’s also a bunch of slogans, like “WE ARE THE MANY,” and “COMMONWEALTH, MEET NATION.” Everything is trying so hard. All of it feels like the first step of ideation, where you throw a million ideas up on a board before whittling them down to one that works. (And “we are the many” turns into “be the many” when it comes to merchandise for no understandable reason.)
I took an interest in this debacle because I’ve become familiar with the NWSL through my coverage of the San Diego Wave.3 Beyond offering a high-quality game product, the NWSL is compelling because of its grassroots approach to inclusivity and accessibility. It’s not forced or pandering, like in other leagues, and the branding of each team generally fits its host city. The many kids and families that attend NWSL games create a unique and refreshing stadium environment. BOS Nation FC—it hurts even to type—seemed to turn its back on that approach and lean into the worst elements of American sports: crassness, bro-ness, and irony.
It also represents the commodification of regional identity that I find tiring. I love hoagies and find the Philly accent endearing, but if I have to participate in one more Sheetz vs. Wawa debate or watch another influencer wannabe try to go viral by talking like a Delco resident, then I’m lighting all my Phillies gear on fire. Rather than make Boston its brand, BOS Nation FC should have picked something sane and let Bostonians shape it over the years. You become a part of the local culture by welcoming it, not appropriating it.
Recommendations
Because I laugh out loud while reading it: The Dog of the South by Charles Portis.
Because pop punk isn’t dead: California Dream Hearse by Matt Caskitt & The Breaks.
The best job in the world is being the bassist in a massive band. They are as anonymous to the general public as they are rich. Who’s the bassist for Coldplay? I have absolutely no idea and his life is awesome.
Among the many serviceable players in the draft, they were a few selected after Oleynick that stand out: Joe “Jellybean” Bryant, father of Kobe; Gus Williams, who won a championship with the Supersonics and was a two-time all star; and World B. Free, whose name rocks.
Here’s a recent piece I wrote for San Diego Magazine about the post-Alex Morgan Wave: https://sandiegomagazine.com/everything-sd/alex-morgan-retirement-san-diego-wave/